ok i've had this one verse from this poem forever but i can't finish it. -___-* i honestly don't know how! suggestions, help, comments, or verses (that you will of course get credit for) are MUCH appreciated!!!
Water
Water everywhere
But not a drop to drink
Inside there's a thirst so loud
You can hardly even think
You need it, you want it
You want it, you need
All the world around you
Moves at such an awesome speed
The ground is unearthing
The sky begins to fall
With all of your heart
You don't wnt to need at all
But it calls to you, it sings
It soothes your weary heart
This end is just the beginning
But the beginning your new start
5 comments:
I like the line "Inside the thirst so loud" and think it could be interesting to explore this thirst. Describe what it feels like, how it affects your physical being, how it affects your mind. Adding detail to the thirst may help give your poem more direction.
It's awesome to see you questioning your poems and working on editing them. This will only help them get better! Keep up the good work!
thank you so much. i don't know why but i have had so much trouble with this piece. it's like everything i tried to add on didnt sound right or i just didnt like it at all. and thank you so much for the feedback and encouragement. i know this sounds very odd but how tall are you? i asked mr low the question the other day and now our class is obsessed with knowing.
I'm 9'4" actually!
:)
And she has giant claws, like a praying mantis.
;)
But in any case, may I recommend that you read the original poem from which your starting line - "water, water everywhere, and not a drop to drink" - came from? It's from the famous (and beautiful) "Rime of the Ancient Mariner" by Samuel Taylor Coleridge, illustrated by the brilliant Gustave Dore. Let me find a link . . .
Here's the text: http://etext.virginia.edu/stc/Coleridge/poems/Rime_Ancient_Mariner.html
Find the beautiful illustrations here: http://dore.artpassions.net/
You'll have to scroll down a little to find the plates for the piece. You should recognize them - I showed you an example for class one day.
Hey there. I'm a friend of Mr. Low's and wanted to respond to this one. It is incredibly challenging to make rhythm and rhyme work well... and without making it sound forced.
One thing I tell my students to do when rhyming is to start by making lists of rhyming pairs (hedge/ledge, zion/lion), that way you can work back from the end of the line. Lots of rappers and MCs use this technique when working on their rhymes, too.
As far as content, I agree with Rachael - explore that "thirst so loud". Maybe start with describing the "it" that you need.
Good luck!
-Lauren
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